Regardless of whether that first line makes sense I have a few things to say about my motivations for starting to write about my beloved video games once again.
1. METACRITIC AND ITS PILES OF REEKING FANBOYS.
What do they reek of you ask?... Entitlement?...Bias?...Ignorance?... All of the above?
Nah they smell of crispy turds roasting on an open fire.
"GEARS IS RUBISH COS COD HAS DA BEST GRAFIX"
I don't mean to generalize but I kinda do... a lot. I mean, for those guys a game is either 10/10 or 0/10.
Seriously, you can't give a game a 0/10 if it is at least functional. For 0/10 I would expect to open the game and to be greeted by 3D hologram of my own nuts being chewed off.
2. SSX SUCKED
The new SSX game sucked.... hard. I was so distraught that I ate the disc, case and instructions just so I could throw them back up and see a physical representation of my feelings.
The level design was bad, the controls were worse and the multiplayer was similar to eating a faberge egg (pretty but unsatisfying.... with terrible indigestion).
3. THE NEO GEO POCKET COLOUR.
I don't really have much to say here...but I got one recently and... I just like it... I wanted to share those happy thoughts.
4. I TRIED TO COMPLETE MARIO BROS 3 RECENTLY AND I COULDN'T DO IT.
It's hard, man. I mean, it's not like I didn't do it when I was a kid. I blasted through that shit when I was a lad.
But FIRE SPITTING PIRANHA PLANTS ON THE FIRST LEVEL? I just want to sprint and jump and fly and smile on the first stage. I don't want to be set on fire. I also take a disliking to being chased after by the sun.
A sun, I may add, that seems to have some rather serious anger management issues. This is why the moon only comes out properly once a month. The suns all like "you wanna play chase.... I'll burn you if I catch you... I'll kill you... I hurt you" and the moon is all like "Nah me and Saturn are just gonna chill and watch Friends".
(Despite my earlier comments about the sun being a dick, I'm sure he isn't and as I have never met him I would like to say that I am merely speculating on whether or not he watches Friends with the moon).
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Having said all that there is a lot more I have to say... and in a much more sobre and professional way over at pixelbedlam.co.uk. I very much hope to see you there,
Speak soon good people.
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