WHAT PAINS YOU? GAME OVER IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

I was wondering.....as a gamer, what is it that most
makes you want to tear out your kneecaps in a fit of rage when you are playing your favourite....or not-so favourite video games?

Is it getting screwed over by a blue shell in Mario Kart? Or maybe being soaked to the bone by a wave of frustration as you fail for the 20th time trying to beat THAT boss?

I think we all share some frustrations, but here are some of mine:

1. GLITCHY MCGLITCHINGTON

I love when I am amicably wandering through the country in Fallout: New Vegas, only to find that by some strange miracle my leg seems to have become embedded in the very desert I walk upon. I try to wriggle away, I tap the jump button furiously, I shoot my gun at the ground....I pause, I un-pause....I check my save files....I HAVEN'T BLOODY WELL SAVED HAVE I? I AM GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN LIKE SOME TWISTED VIRTUAL REALITY GROUNDHOG DAY. And as mindless, blind rage consumes me and I find myself sawing off my own feet in anger....I think, hmmmmm lets try that again. And so the vicious cycle continues.

2.I SHOT YOU IN THE HEAD YOU TOSSPOTTING BALL OF SHIT-STAINED SOCKS.

I am playing Halo: Reach, I point a gun at your head, I shoot, the bullet penetrates your skull and henceforth cuts through you brain like a steak knife through warm butter. BUT LOOK, you seem to be very much alive, and if that wasn't bad enough, you also have seemed to have rammed your armored fists straight up my dis-believing arse. WELL DONE GOOD SIR, JOLLY GOOD SHOW.

3.I'M THE LAST BOSS IN THE GAME. I SHALL COMMENCE MY 'DICK-HEADERY' WITH HASTE.

I am sat playing this lovely new Mortal Kombat game, "ooh" I say to myself "this is lovely, very enjoyable indeed, very WELL BALANCED". OH look the LAST BOSS. SHAO FUCKING KHAN AND HIS HAMMER OF ENDLESS STRETCHY BOLLOCKS SHOVED STRAIGHT DOWN MY THROAT LIKE SO MANY PISSING TEA BAGS. WHY? in the name of all that is good and great do you make the last boss 500 times as hard as the rest of the game?? IF YOU WANTED THE GAME TO LAST LONGER YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN ME MORE TO DO ALONG THE WAY, DON'T SCREW ME NOW. Imagine fighting 20 fluffy bunnies one after each other, all of them armed only with a balloon and last month's copy of reader's digest. Then after that you fight 600 tigers with lasers mounted on their heads riding atop of a 100ft Elephant with fire-spurting dicks for tusks......it would be something similar, (I may have exaggerated).

There you go, some of my thoughts, feel free to comment below.

BANG CHOP BANG

So here are a few more of those things that I have always wondered about in video games:

1.SHOOT THEM TIL THEY DIEEE

Have you ever noticed in shooting games that no matter where you shoot the bad guys they still die....I mean back in the Goldeneye 64 days you could just cough at their feet during a hurricane and a bloodstain would pop up on their greeny green green uniforms. It still happens though in games like FEAR, Halo and Gears of War... you can shoot them in the foot til they die.....I mean if you carry on the theory to its EXTREME (nonsensical) conclusion....which I will....you could just say "I AM GOING TO GO UP TO THAT BAD GUY AND I AM GOING TO PLAY SCRABBLE UNTIL HE DIES." See I told you it wouldn't make sense.

oooooooooohhhhh

2. NON FATALITIES

You know in the Mortal Kombat games they are always flinging swords and flames at each other and nothing happens but that floating red bar above their heads goes down? And then in the fatality they chop each other to a bloody pulp with the same moves they have just been using. So what is this all about then? Is the rest just foreplay? A quick tickle before the deadly thrust. Can you imagine Scorpion going up to Raiden just before a fight and saying "right, so no real choppy ninja sh*t til the guy with the deep voice says so k?" and Raiden's all like "Yeah man, I can dig that shit". I am NOT CONVINCED.

3. BLUE SHELLS
You know the ones, the big blue behemoths of destructive misery. Those swooshing sirens of a thousand lost places.
But could they be more obvious? Waiting until you are nothing more than a mouses eyeball away from the finish line.....then hovering over your head for a split second.....you know so they can savour the kill...then BOOM. before you know it you are in twelfth, Bowser has knocked you off the stage and what's this? I have an item? A big blue shell? WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THIS? WOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHHHHHH.

More of these soon friends, have a great day and good gaming.

Commitment to Kinection

Hello, earlier today I was, once again, sat spinning latest gaming news on the rotisserie of eternal cynicism and I thought I would share my thoughts.

Particularly the latest claims from Microsoft that they are '100% committed' to the Kinect and its use with new and upcoming big titles.

To be honest this was not the kind of announcement that was ever going to make me shave my head and stick the hair to my back in the arrangement of a heart shape, but I am glad to see they haven't given up. Firstly though there is one thing about Kinect that needs to be fixed:

IT DOESN'T WORK

During my time with the Kinect it has complained about me being too close, too far, too low, too high, it didn't like my jeans, the room being too dark, too bright, the decor wasn't contemporary enough etc

I was tempted at one point to have a good old fashion, sit down, talk with it to try and persuade it to work, then I thought, "come on, that's ridiculous, it can't understand me....HAHA.....BECAUSE THE VOICE RECOGNITION IS MORE FUSSY THAN A MAN WITH SIX FINGERS IN A GLOVE SHOP".




Don't get me wrong, when Kinect has worked I have actually had quite a lot of fun with it, but sometimes the niggles just seem to get in the way. Another thing, even though I am sure waving my arms about like a disabled gorilla will improve Mass Effect 3 infinitely, I just don't think it is, "the future of entertainment", because we all know the future of video games is Gears 0f War 19, Call Of Duty 56 and Fifa 34.5.........right???

Until next time, good day and good gaming.

GAMING SEX OFFENDERS and other stuff.

So.....I thought I would get this out of the way, this blog is going to be about video games, old and new. From Pac-man to Batman, Zoon to Zelda.

In this first post I thought I would look at some gaming peculiarities that I have stumbled upon along the way.

1. THE ETERNAL RE-KIDNAPPING OF PRINCESS PEACH.

Throughout my life inbetween respawning next to grenades and seeing "game over" screens I have often wondered if Peach keeps getting taken from the same castle....by the same guy......why OH WHY doesn't she just MOVE AWAY FROM THE SEX PEST.

Also in the first Mario game when Mario has to jump over Bowser to cut away the bridge he is standing on with the axe.......why doesn't he just get all medievil up in his grill and chop a brother up??? I mean....not good for the franchise but my god it never stopped Mortal Kombat characters from rising and rising and RISING up from the grave.

Like my mum says "It's a sh*t game when you can't cut heads off"

2. THE IN-COMPETENT DR EGGMAN

When you are running through loop de loops in Sonic the hedgehog did you ever think that if Dr.Eggman went through all the trouble to place all of his traps and his robotic hellspawn cyber death fish all over the place why he didn't think of taking away those tricksy rings THAT KEEP YOU ALIVE........think it through man, THINK IT THROUGH.



Sonic likes his rings, yes sir he doooeeess.

3. RECHARGEABLE HEALTH SYSTEMS

Look, I like these systems....they work well....but for god's sake......Marcus Fenix and company must be looking like some nice swiss cheese by this point.

4. THE EA SPORTS 'IT'S IN THE GAME' GUY

He says it, I say it with him. He says it every year, I say it every year. He has the deepest mostly manly voice in the world, I have a sore throat. Who knew it was EA who singlehandedly funded the throat lozenge companies.

There will be more of these to come in future posts, but for now I hope you enjoyed this first foray into the gaming wilds, til then, good day.